I Can’t

Fingers, warm and welcoming on cold skin, worked their way up my exposed chest. I let slip a drowsy smile without really meaning to and flipped over to face the person beside me in the bed. The smile slid away just as quickly as it had appeared, replaced with indifference.

“Regretting again, are you?” Shunsui asked softly, tilting my chin up and planting a lazy kiss on my unresponsive lips. “You seemed all too eager last night, you know. What happened to upset you that badly?”

“I wasn’t upset,” I clarified, pulling myself out of his hold. “I just had a fight with Isshin and I needed to blow off some steam.”

“Blowing off some steam, huh?” Shunsui seemed amused by this. “Is that why begged me to fuck you so hard?”

I scowled and brought a hand up to rub the sleep from my eyes. “My ass still hurts, you jerk. You didn’t have to take me seriously. I was half drunk, anyway.” One of his arms had curled around my waist as I had been speaking. I gave him a decidedly unimpressed look. “You have work. I have work. Don’t you even start thinking I’m up for another go.”

He grinned, giving up wasn’t his style, and tugged me closer. I tried not to think about what was pressing into my thigh. Shunsui wasn’t going to win this time. Plus, like I had told him: my ass still fucking hurt and I wasn’t about to be doing anything like that for a while. “Go fuck someone else, Shun. I’m not in the mood.” His grip on me didn’t loosen as he persistently nuzzled against the side of my neck with his nose. I sighed at his playfulness and wondered where all his damn energy came from. “I’m supposed to meet Isshin in an hour for breakfast. I really don’t want to show up for that like I was just fucked, Shun.”

Immediate turn-off. Score a win for the Kisuke! He retracted his wandering hands and made a face. I gave him an exasperated smile for trying.

“Dammit, Kisuke, why is it every time we fuck it all comes back to him? It’s not fair.”

I raised an eyebrow at him and then slipped out of the bed to gather the discarded layers of my shihakushou. “If you have a problem with me and the way I do things, then just say so.”

“What? So you can run away and find another fuck-buddy? I don’t know, Kisuke.” He really had to stop the whole sneaking up on me from behind act, it was getting old. Also, I didn’t have time for his lovey dovey attitude this morning. The arms around my waist were hindering my progress in getting dressed.

“Shun, I have to get going.” I tilted my head back to look up at him, annoyed. “What’s wrong? You’re usually not this clingy in the morning.”

“I’m tired, Kisuke.”

I furrowed my brow, not quite sure what he was talking about here. Sighing, I turned myself around to face him in his embrace and then considered him for a few quiet moments. “Take a nap?” I suggested half-heartedly, leaning up to kiss him. He caught my lips before I could claim his, though, and easily pushed me back down onto the futon. I found this a bit awkward, considering I was half-dressed by now, but I merely cocked an eyebrow at him in question when he finally let up on the kiss. More often than not, Shunsui listened when I told him I wasn’t in the mood. And typically, whenever I mentioned Isshin, it was practically a guaranteed ‘escape without being fucked’ tactic. Why wasn’t it working today? “Look, Shun -”

“Don’t start with me, Kisuke, not today. You’re going to listen for once.” I stifled a groan as he leaned down, hips connecting with hips as he shifted and pinned my arms to the bed. The sore muscles in my body were starting to protest even if it did feel good to have him so close. “You need to make up your fucking mind what you want, Kisuke.”

“I don’t appreciate you pinning me down, Shun.” There was no doubt in my mind that he heard the shaky undertones in my voice, the ones I hid well. But he didn’t comment on them, steering the conversation in an entirely different direction.

When he next spoke, I barely restrained a wince, the hurt in his voice all too clear. “Fuck, Kisuke. You really don’t care about anyone but your goddamn self, do you?” I felt the covers tighten around me and I knew he had fisted his hands in them, too angry for words.

“I … I’m sorry, Shun, but you knew -”

“Things change, Kisuke. People change. I … I just can’t keep doing this with you.”

That … I hadn’t been expected that. Neither had I expected the sudden dull ache in my chest. I knew where this was going. “Shun, don’t. Please, don’t.” It wasn’t any use. Shunsui only shook his head and eased up his hold on me. I closed my eyes and felt him unstraddle my hips, taking a seat at the edge of the bed. Away from me, away from this, away from everything. “I don’t want to lose you, Shun. I –”

“You can’t say what I want you to say, Kisuke. There’s no use pretending.”

I stayed facing the ceiling for a few minutes longer and then sat back up, shooting him a quick, fleeting look before standing. I finished getting dressed, my eyes lowered to the floor, and then headed for the door. “I’m leaving, Shunsui.”

He didn’t respond. I really hadn’t expected him, too. Without another word, I left. This time, I had the feeling I wouldn’t be returning. Shunsui had given up on me, given up on this. I had chosen Isshin, after all. I always would. Then why was my heart hurting so much as I walked through that door? Maybe it was just me being selfish again, wanting everything and having nothing.