Safety First

“And that’s how babies are made!” Isshin stowed away his sock puppets and cheerfully handed over a box of condoms to his son. “Go make me proud, son!”

Ichigo pushed the box away from him with a scowl. “No way, old man! I’m too young! Why are you encouraging sex, anyway?! That’s not something a parent should do!”

The shouts from inside, while amusing, were growing ever louder and I figured this was where I made my grand appearance by tapping on the glass doors. Not that I was a stalker or anything for watching the two of them interact from the window. Of course not. I would never stoop that low. Okay, maybe I would … but that was beside the point. “Kurosaki-kuuuun, are you home?” I made it clear who I was there to see.

It was Isshin that opened the door for me, though, giving me a dejected sort of look that I was pretty sure he had used in the past to get me to do something for him. “You there, with the funny hat, tell my son that he should be out enjoying the springtime of his youth!”

Two could play at this game. If he was going to insult my hat … “Sorry, whoever you are, but I’m here to see Kurosaki-kun. Your breath stinks, too, so would you mind giving me some breathing room?” It was true; he had been invading my personal space unnecessarily and I didn’t want Ichigo to think his dad was comfortable enough around me to do that. Though, his breath didn’t really stink, I suppose. It smelt rather like he had just brushed or something. Ah, that’s right … they just had dinner. Don’t they have that brush ten minutes after eating rule or you don’t get your next meal?

I smirked when I heard a little girl’s voice in the background. “Dad! You told me you brushed! You liar! No breakfast for you.”

That sufficiently had Isshin distracted as he went to the hug the girl and cry on her shoulder, telling her that her daddy wasn’t a liar and it was all that stranger at the door’s fault. Over-the-top as always and I expected no less. I turned my attention to Ichigo, sliding my fan out and pointing toward the door. “Shall we, Kurosaki-kun? I wanted to talk to you for a few minutes.”

The boy warily accepted my request and I beamed, following him outside and leaning against the outer wall of the clinic. “So, word on the grapevine is dear Kurosaki-kun is about ready to start dating a pretty Kuchiki.”

Surprisingly, he blushed; but it didn’t last long and he was back to scowling in no time flat. “Rukia and I are just -”

“Friends, I know,” I cut him off knowingly.

“Wait, if you know that, then why did you …”

“Because, little boy, you misunderstood the Kuchiki I was talking about!”

“Please don’t tell me you’re implying what I think you’re implying,” Ichigo sullenly replied.

“So I thought I’d swing by and make sure Kurosaki-kun is familiar with how to have -”

“I’m not having no buttsex!” he shouted, drawing quite a few weird stares that only amused me further.

“Double negative there, little boy. Really should watch those. Now, as I was saying …” I rummaged in the folds of my yukata and brought out a bottle to hand to him. “You might be needing this for ‘special’ occasions.”

He accepted it without reading the label. But when he did, he immediately blanched and tried handing it back. “Are you fucking kidding me?! I don’t need any stinkin’ lube!”

I mused on this for a moment or two. “I suppose not. You’re not very dominant, are you? Hmm … well, just make sure your partner has plenty on hand, then, okay? Would you like some tips? I know some great positions I could teach you!”

“I’m surrounded my sex freaks!” He stormed off back into the clinic, only to be assault once again by his father and the box of condoms. I shook my head, smiling – at least he had accepted my little gift, for whatever reason.