Tears

“Kisuke?” I didn’t move from my position on the futon. I just kept staring blankly up at the ceiling; staring but not seeing. “Kisuke, you’re crying.”

I couldn’t respond, my lips wouldn’t move. Endless thoughts flew through my mind, begging to be expressed, but nothing came out.

“Kisuke … you okay?”

Isshin, why did it have to be Isshin here, now, right there? The tears came faster than before, but I didn’t sob, I couldn’t sob – I couldn’t move, I couldn’t feel. I didn’t want to move, I didn’t want to feel. If I did, I would have to acknowledge what I knew was true because what I knew was always true. Just this once, I didn’t want to know something. I wanted to take it back, never to have heard this something in the first place.

“Isshin,” Yoruichi called hoarsely from the doorway to my room. “Leave him alone. There … there’s something you need to hear.”

I heard them leave. I could even make out snippets of the conversation that followed. Words like ‘Soul Society’, ‘Kaien’, and the final word ‘dead’ making me shake. I curled into a ball in the covers, hoping to subside the shaking. It was bad enough I couldn’t stop the tears, couldn’t make myself stop from crying like some child. I was so stupid, such an idiot – I couldn’t even force a simple emotion back. Why? Why? Why?

There was a loud crash out in the front shop, the noise ringing in the still air. My stomach clenched painfully and I fought the unexpected urge to throw-up. Isshin was upset, meaning he knew. God, that hurt so much more than even knowing what I knew. Was it even possible for it to hurt more? I didn’t know, I didn’t want to know. But it sure did, and I couldn’t ignore that pain.